Ugly Men

I am in love/lust with an Ugly man and have been since 2002. Six longggg years.

At the time I was engaged to S. A cute, younger Algerian I met at Down Mexico Way on a Thursday evening post work drinks with a gf. S walked in, looked at me, walked over and said I needed a drink. I told him I had a drink already but thank you anyway. That was it. Six weeks later we were practically living together, three months later we were engaged. And then the rot set in. In June in Marbella with the girls I met a hot Russian, sporting a black eye, fake passports and a Chinese wife on another continent but he was hot and we clicked. Our affair was brief but exhilarating. My alarm bells were ringing nice & loud. Got back to London and postponed my wedding to S, set for August. Chelsea Register Office was booked and I was looking at Marc Jacobs stuff to wear for my big day. I carried on with S. On my 37th birthday in July S and I bought a lovely house together. This was commitment enough. This was my new start. This was it. Doubts banished, I would make it work. 

But M appeared. OH MY GOD. I was lying on bed reading after a vicious row with S. S shouted up at me to come down & meet M. I came downstairs, walked into the sitting room, saw M. My heart skipped a beat. My stomach somersaulted. I looked at him and shook his hand. Whoa. What was going on? Whatever it was I had not felt that before. Indescribable. A surge of electricity. I felt alive. Giddy. Jellylike. At that precise moment I knew S was over. My world changed. I knew I would sleep with M. I had to. Really had to. But get this, M was not very attractive. Not at all really. One of my friends later called him Ugly. Ugly but charming. Ugly he may be but he was EXACTLY what I wanted. Tall, very well built, stocky, well spoken, well dressed, rich, clever, charming, oozing, dripping sex appeal…….looks? who cares about looks? The sexual tension was sizzling hot.

But S and I lumbered on. S hated M. M hated S. I hated S. I craved M. M flirted. Subtly. Looks. Gentle touches. Pointless conversations. Visits when S was away. M brought girls back. I was envious. Trapped. With a man I did not want. Was M worth ending it with S?  Either M was special or S was rubbish. S or M. M or S? M. S had to go. January 2004. S cried as he walked out the door. I cried. Not for me. For him. I was scared he may do something silly. I e-mailed M suggesting he "came for a drink one evening" He said yes and he would call. I was delighted. No call. At a supper party later I noticed him observing my chest. I went to his house after for a drink. We talked, we kissed and..... . A week later he took me for dinner, I took him home. I had butterflies, he made me shake, with desire, anticipation. We slept together. On my sitting room floor. And again in 2005, 2006, 2007. 2008 is quieter. We have not slept together for months. I may have lost him but I still crave him. His body. His being. S&M? M not S. My Ugly guy. No one, no one at ALL compares to him. Six years on I still get butterflies when I see him. I love my Ugly guy.

By Joy Ryder